I make beats yo.

yeah and let me just say I could give a fuck less. It seems as soon as I drove south of the Georgia border everyone and they momma became a music producer. The following scenario probably happens weekly, and not only in the club, but also at the gas station, waffle house, Gladys Knight's Chicken and Waffles, The Cheesecake Factory, ETC.

I walk into a club, and every man deems it necessary to make it a part of their game.

Bootleg Dude at club, with sunglasses on, rocking a blue tooth on...which by the way I never quite fully understood anyway...who the fuck are you talking to? I can't hear my damn girl who is right the hell next to me so I know you aren't accepting no damn incoming calls...approaches me with the following conversation:

"Ay,Ay Shawty"
ME: "Hi"
Bootleg Dude: "How you doin Miss lady"
ME: "Fine how are you"
BD : "I'm good you enjoyin yourself"
Me: "Im good enjoying the music"
BD" yeah you like the music? I make beats too you know" (hands me some triflin version of a demo with a picture of him, twelve pit bulls, and about 8 AK's on it, 4 pieces of random bling, and the words GUNTOTINCHEESESTACKERS)

BD then pulls a crinkled up card from his wallet that apparently he had his alleged secretary made for him, proceeds to tell me that his cousin also has a studio. His cousin's baby's ma's brother's uncle has an up an coming label . His brother is also a producer/rapper but is going through some hard times right now,but he be on that bull shit sometimes so he don't really be fucking with him like that.

Now those of you who may have read my Judgemental Angel Post, may see this response coming:
Me: "So you don't have a job?"

I dont trust you bitch....

Let me just start out by saying that both my liver and I survived another Atlanta Carnival Weekend. Not the flyest I have attended, in fact whack in comparison...but with good friends- exciting nonetheless.

Anywhoo. I fully blame the republican party for the small attendance of any West Indian parties this weekend. After all who in the hell can afford to fill up the "muddacunt" gas tank at $4.53 a gallon, drive 35 miles one way, pay $20 cover-jus to bus a whine. Thank you George Bush.

In other pathetic news. Apparently my teenage love affair has been cut short. J said he is buying the tickets for me and a friend of mine for the Alicia Keys concert. While I pride myself In being multi-cultural. I can make my way around a Trini conversation, and attempt to whine with d best of dem. My spanish would survive in the bars of Tijuana. And I can tell you any shape of any pasta at any Trattoria (now that could be because I'm Italian or because I'm a heifer who likes to eat-you decide.) What I truly would like to believe is that I didn't make up yet another random conversation and pull it out of my guinea ass.

In other digressional news. How come every time I go to get my nails and toes done, these lovely Asian women ask if I want my eye brows done. Listen chic, do I really want my eye brows done by some heffa who shaves hers off and draws hers in...I don't trust you bitch.....

thank you and good day.

I'm a soca warrior.

Oh thank god. It's official.It is Atlanta's Carnival Weekend. The weekend I look forward to EEEEEEEEEEEEvery year. Tonight is the flag party. And I am officially Atlanta's Italian Soca warrior. Here is to a weekend of true whining and rolling. I will be kickin it of tonight with my girls. I leave you all with a playlist of my favorites. So do me a favor, get a flag, get a rag, shit I don't care if you get a sock. Wave it. Jump. Whine. Rooooooooooooooooooll. Me and my liver will hopefully return on Monday. Hope y'all have a faaaaaaaaaaabulous weekend. <3

that's a low blow even for an ass munch

oooooooooooooooooooooooooh you GOT to be kidding me. Just when the tests can't get any more serious. Just when they can't get any more sporadic. This dude comes into work, walks in my office. Conversation as follows. Please keep in mind, I shit you not my friends.

J: "Can I just hold you"
Me: "illllll....why?"
J:"I just wanna hug you right now"
Me: **a look on my face as if I was watching 2 girls 1 cup for the first time***
J: "What's wrong I can't hold you"
Me: "No...what's wrong is you musta fallen and bumped your head on a steel drum somewhere along the way in here."
J: "No I just had been thinking alot the past few days. I've realized some things. I've had some clarity in my life. You always told me that you would do more for me that any other woman in my life. You've taught me more. You've made more possible. I wouldn't have this job if it wasn't for you. You really are an angel."

(J just landed a job painting a movie producer/director entire studio=big time project=mucho credit due to moi)

I then choose not to respond to that partly because I am irritated that it took a sum of money for him to realize my angelic ways but nonetheless....
J:"Did you whiten your teeth?"
Me:"No...."
J:"How much would your uncle charge to whiten mine"
Me: "Just go get a kit J, did you need something??"
J:"I was just bored.... What are you doing on the 28th, I want to take you somewhere so make sure you free up your night."
Me: "What are you talking about? What you got up your sleeve?"
J:"Can you just free up your night please, don't ask any questions...I don't ask you any questions. I just really really wanna take you somewhere. You always handle me. I wanna handle you. I really wanna spend that night with you. Do something really special. Do something that will mean alot to you. A night of two people that remind you of the good times."

And do you know what this MOTHER OF A FUCKER THEN SAYS?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?

"I want to take you to the Alicia Keys and NeYo concert."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH low blow you assmunch! After all the Alicia Keys songs I've lip sang to him, Alllllllllll the times I have turned up NeYo in the car and turned to him with him smiling at me knowing it was because, yup, that was our song because at one point he called me and played it over the phone to me. I really had have no other choice but to hate him. But I really had no other choice but to politely decline the invite. Mother fucker.

unleashing of the vajayjay and whack self defense mechanisms

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls
Good afternoon
And we are gathered here for the game of your life (lovely! lovely!)
I want to see yuh put yuh flags up in de air right now
Sing!

Ahhh It is that time of year again. The soca songs are banging out of the five speeds. The west indians flags are blowing in the wind in every direction it is Atlanta Carnival. And I am the Italian Soca Warrior. It is the one weekend a year where I can cut loose. I can party from 10 pm to 8 am. I can wear sneakers to every party. Where breakfast is served outside of every club. Where everyone is just there to have a good time. Hopefully this year I won't be that drunk white girl getting escorted out of the club but that's a different story for another day.

Getting my rags and flags together...It will be a different kind of weekend. The usual Trini crew won't be there. Well technically they will be there, I will just not be rolling with them. I, like any good ex girl friend will be using my resources and hit the crew up for all good purposes to get in to every party possible, so me and my friends don't have to pay any covers or wait in any lines :)

Speaking of piece of shit Trinis, well okay, NOW that we are on the subject, J texts me again yesterday "Hello Angel!! I hope you are having a good day...."
A few minutes later, after no response, being that my head was still so crooked and my eyes still cross-eyed at the screen, he sends me : " If you are not having a good day I hope this helps: May Jah's blessings of joy and love always speak through our hearts and keep us on a path that is sure!"

can I just say...what the fuck? OK. Now let me just stop and say that I already double checked, and the the message a few days ago was apparently no accident. But these two? I am beginning to think that there are two Bellas in his phonebook and he is accidentally texting me instead. While outlandish, it is something that I have to tell myself. It is a complete and utter whack self defense mechanism but it's all I gots right now. Why else would this man pull this shit out of his ass two months later. Now granted we are going to probably be running into each other socially this weekend alot more in comparison to what we have been the past two months, but really dude. I'm about as confused as Jenna Jameson in a convent. Let's just say that I really am starting to feel like I have a few characters turning my life into a LIFETIME MOVIE NETWORK SAGA.

And since we are talking about confusing men and all. Lets talk about BS. And those were really his initials. Shoulda been sign number one huh? But nooo...Bella wants to be hard headed. I meet this guy at the soca club. Shoulda been sign number two huh? But nooo...Bella wants to have a soft ass too. So he's cool. We do like this double date thing-a-muh-jig. Our friends don't click. But we all click as a group. Like we really all got along reaaaaaaaaaaaaaaally well. Like too well. Like freakishly well. Anyway BS totally boo-ed me up. No, really. Boo-ed me up. I mean callin me, textin me, tellin me he was missin me. Yeah, I fell for it. Granted I am a sucker for a man who will say and do all the right things, especially around the completely over-rated consumer fed Valentines Day. Which was right around the time we....I....He....it....the vajayjay was unleashed. It was good. We vibed. The sex talk was ridiculous. He said god awful things. Things a girl would never want to hear. I mean. ***Whispering***(so happy this page is for authorized audiences only) He actually told me he wanted to be the last piece of well, you know, in me. You know my legs froze on that one. Kegals stood at attention. What the bloooooooooooooooodclot was that dread? So I tried so badly to let that slide. But he said it the next time we, you know.

Oh. Wait. I left out a very important part about our relationship. Its span was about......9 days. And then he fell off the face of the earth. Hmmmm. Wonder why that was. Good thing he wasn't the last Captain Snickerdoodle to rock my docks. I would have been assed out. He then suddenly resurfaced months later with some fuckery about how he lost his phone, rah rah rah, had to go through his phone bills to find my number. BOOOOOOOOOOO. Well too bad for BS. Did I mention that I am fully aware that I unleashed the chocha way too soon. I understand that I brought his disappearance on myself, and I am completely okay with that. I even remain cool with his homeboy, Q. Q and I kept it cool on myspace. And q, my girl and I even clubbed it one weekend. Unfortunately my coolness with Q has led him to think that it's appropriate to invite BS out on my weekend of carefreeness (which isn't really that carefree since I need to worry about staying between that perfect level of drunk but not ignorantly drunk, while having a ridiculous amount of fun and trying to maintain my beautiful composure at the risk of running into J at any given moment at any given party).

Ooooooooooooh THIS is gonna be fun.

Judgemental Angels

Well It's been one heeeeeeeeeeell ova week. I went home to celebrate my girl Shan's graduation, Mother's day, and well, hell just a break. I quite possibly experienced the best house party ever to grace my small home town. Population 35,000, yes that's including livestock. Anyhoo. I had a walk down memory lane with an ex of mine, both verbally and physically. I can't say I regret it. I can't say I really even needed it. But it definitely helped get my mind off of things if not for the weekend. Having my night fling made me realize even more that I really need to take the time off of finding a new smash-piece any time soon. I am about as ready for that as Ray J is for Whitney Houston. I recognize that whore-bag crotch rot J isn't thinking about me as he lays it down with every chic south of the Mason Dixie line but that's what makes me better than him. Speaking of me being better than him....

I have been recently informed by my friends that I am judgemental. Although the previous lines (and posts) aren't really helping my case right now, this is news to me. I can admit though, that sometimes my conversation, better yet, my responses in conversation may make me seem judgemental. My friend Jamaica clarified yesterday that I am just more comfortable with my truths, and more open with my business, and some people can't handle that. Here is how I can translate for you my judgemental conversations:

Him: "I'm in between jobs right now."
Me: "So you are unemployed."

Him: "I'm a natural born hustler"
Me: "So you can't legally file taxes"

Him: "Our relationship is complicated"
Me: "Your still fuckin her and haven't told her you are out here tryin to bone other bitches"

Him: "I stay with my boy"
Me: "So you sleep on somebody's couch....."

Okay so maybe I am a little bit judgemental but I really am a sweet girl. I promise. And if anyone knew me they would know by my dating cycle that I give everyone a chance, and my judgements are all in good humor. Because hey, I've been there, and if I can't laugh at myself, I would have slit my wrists years ago.....

In other digressional news...I firmly believe that J hasn't even told his mom that we aren't talking. He definitely brought her into my job and acted as if nothing happened. Calling me babes. Rubbing all over my arms, hugging on me, yes, the whole 9 yards. Now that my friend Shan lives here I thought he might have brought himself around more, but he hasn't. Which we all know, in the long run, is a good thing. He however, randomnly, called me yesterday invited me to some party and I did what any girl with a broken heart who missed her ex terribly would. Acted like I had bad reception and hung up. 8 hours later he sent me a text message saying the following " Just wanted to tell you that u are an angel..."

Only the devil can truly acknowledge an angel when he sees one. Even if she is judgemental.

broken record.

me: "Life happens when you are busy planning it. Life is too short and I would love to spend my life with someone and share all the moments of it's chaotic see of emotions and virtues."

general male population: "damn ma, I'm not trying to settle down. I got my whole life ahead of me"

I am a firm believer that women when it comes to relationships and settling down use the theory that life is short. Men always have their whole life to settle down. The pickins are short for women so the numbers favor men. It's only because we outnumber them......

Waterproof mascara need not apply.

Ahhhhh, milestones. The small, the large, the grateful moments in our lives that we can only appreciate once we've actually jumped over those once seemingly difficult hurdles. Now while at every point in a breakup I wonder if I will ever get over the pain, hurt, frustration, or the general thought of right hooking an ex. Not answering the phone calls has become easier. Not letting his presence affect me at work- let's just say that's on my to do list (along with yoga, reading Madam Curie, and saying no to bread....) Okay so some things are easier than others. However I have broken another barrier in this seven week downward spiral of emotions, obsessively cleaning my house, pathetic R&B play lists on my iPod, and red wine. It is so hard to work with someone you truly want in your life. It's even harder when you are going through the first stages of "not speaking." When approached by him at work, a torpedo of emotions hit me. Why not me? How can he look at me (and trust and believe I pride myself in looking fly at work)? How can he so easily throw me under the bus, into the game, while becoming prime meat for the lions of the single life and the viscous dating cycle?

These are questions I so badly want answered. In previous discussions of our relationship, I got the answers I wanted to hear. The I love yous, the it's not you it's mes, the "if I wanted a relationship tomorrow it would be with yous." Now all I want is the answers I deserve. The "you aren't what I want, you aren't what I need, you aren't even what I think could make me happy. I am not willing to sacrifice the wonderful state of bachelorhood for you because you aren't worth it." But do I get that? No. Approached by him yesterday at work, I get the I love you, the it's not you it's me....I get everything that I want to hear, not anything that I need to hear. Not anything I deserve to hear. Do I feel like he deserves me? Of course. I've been there. I've been there through the dropping out of classes, no money, no car, no phone. I've been there when he first bought his house, in the hood, with no heat, no furniture-and I slept on the floor with him to keep him company. Now that you have your house, your cars, your bike, your phones, and almost your degree, why wouldn't I deserve that? Why wouldn't he deserve someone that was there from the get-go. Someone who was there when you didn't have shit. He confronted me with an hour long confrontation how he doesn't want to fight, he doesn't want this gap between us. But how can I not be bitter? How can I not wonder why this supposedly perfect girl that you claim to have in front of you, doesn't inspire you to want to settle down? If you meet the right person, and it's too soon into the singledom that you had been looking forward to, do you settle down with them? You feel they are so wonderful, and perfect, do you sacrifice the single life's freedoms? Or do you take a chance and let them go. I say you hold on, white-knuckled, for dear life.

If there is one thing that so boldly stood out to me yesterday- my emotions. In any discussion pertaining to our relationship, a monsoon of emotions pour from my eyes. Tears long enough to assist in the Georgia drought. Perfectly, stunningly blue smashbox liner outlined eyes now strewn across my face, water-proof mascara losing it's battle against excessive liquid out pours. I have had my moments in our conversations where I could be mistaken as an understudy for WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE. Oddly enough, I had crossed that new milestone in this break-up, and wasn't even trying. I wasn't holding the tears in. I heard all the excuses, and his reasons, and with a straight face I could say "I'm not willing to continue this cycle. I'm not willing to give myself to you anymore." I was able to walk away from the discussion without showing my emotions, questioning his motives, without accepting his excuses as a reason for staying a little bit longer, and without even an ounce of make-up out of place.