Gravity is a bitch.

Apparently "The Holiday" is by far, this year, the movie I can relate to the most. And even though it's about three years old, if I had watched it, maybe my slow ass would have understood the past three years of my life wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better. Every woman should see this movie. Not because it has some insanely moving story line, but because at one point or another, you are going to relate to one of the female characters in the movie. And seeing that I have had my moments mirror that of "the loner, loser, and complicated wreck..." I've inevitably watched this movie more than neccessary the past few weeks. But more often I could relate to the emotional disaster....Kate Winslet. In two scenes, her words pretty much summed up my relationship status ( and obviously, lack there of....)

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms........"

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

Onto gravity...And I'm not talking about the fact that as the years pass, everything isn't quite the same as 17...But it's the only force that I can blame these days due to a.) denial, b.) utter stupidity, and c)my extreme overly bearing laziness which could quite possibly be misdiagnosed as sheer depression, all in which are an excuse to not get on here and vent more often. And that Sara Bareilles, boy she can send a bitch straight to her prozac bottle. Apparently, there's this song, Gravity....If you could copyright my emotions, here's what it would look like on paper, and sound like just to cut that obnoxious wound deeper....

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I really need to start listening to something heavier.....

that's a low blow even for an ass munch

oooooooooooooooooooooooooh you GOT to be kidding me. Just when the tests can't get any more serious. Just when they can't get any more sporadic. This dude comes into work, walks in my office. Conversation as follows. Please keep in mind, I shit you not my friends.

J: "Can I just hold you"
Me: "illllll....why?"
J:"I just wanna hug you right now"
Me: **a look on my face as if I was watching 2 girls 1 cup for the first time***
J: "What's wrong I can't hold you"
Me: "No...what's wrong is you musta fallen and bumped your head on a steel drum somewhere along the way in here."
J: "No I just had been thinking alot the past few days. I've realized some things. I've had some clarity in my life. You always told me that you would do more for me that any other woman in my life. You've taught me more. You've made more possible. I wouldn't have this job if it wasn't for you. You really are an angel."

(J just landed a job painting a movie producer/director entire studio=big time project=mucho credit due to moi)

I then choose not to respond to that partly because I am irritated that it took a sum of money for him to realize my angelic ways but nonetheless....
J:"Did you whiten your teeth?"
Me:"No...."
J:"How much would your uncle charge to whiten mine"
Me: "Just go get a kit J, did you need something??"
J:"I was just bored.... What are you doing on the 28th, I want to take you somewhere so make sure you free up your night."
Me: "What are you talking about? What you got up your sleeve?"
J:"Can you just free up your night please, don't ask any questions...I don't ask you any questions. I just really really wanna take you somewhere. You always handle me. I wanna handle you. I really wanna spend that night with you. Do something really special. Do something that will mean alot to you. A night of two people that remind you of the good times."

And do you know what this MOTHER OF A FUCKER THEN SAYS?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?

"I want to take you to the Alicia Keys and NeYo concert."

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH low blow you assmunch! After all the Alicia Keys songs I've lip sang to him, Alllllllllll the times I have turned up NeYo in the car and turned to him with him smiling at me knowing it was because, yup, that was our song because at one point he called me and played it over the phone to me. I really had have no other choice but to hate him. But I really had no other choice but to politely decline the invite. Mother fucker.

Judgemental Angels

Well It's been one heeeeeeeeeeell ova week. I went home to celebrate my girl Shan's graduation, Mother's day, and well, hell just a break. I quite possibly experienced the best house party ever to grace my small home town. Population 35,000, yes that's including livestock. Anyhoo. I had a walk down memory lane with an ex of mine, both verbally and physically. I can't say I regret it. I can't say I really even needed it. But it definitely helped get my mind off of things if not for the weekend. Having my night fling made me realize even more that I really need to take the time off of finding a new smash-piece any time soon. I am about as ready for that as Ray J is for Whitney Houston. I recognize that whore-bag crotch rot J isn't thinking about me as he lays it down with every chic south of the Mason Dixie line but that's what makes me better than him. Speaking of me being better than him....

I have been recently informed by my friends that I am judgemental. Although the previous lines (and posts) aren't really helping my case right now, this is news to me. I can admit though, that sometimes my conversation, better yet, my responses in conversation may make me seem judgemental. My friend Jamaica clarified yesterday that I am just more comfortable with my truths, and more open with my business, and some people can't handle that. Here is how I can translate for you my judgemental conversations:

Him: "I'm in between jobs right now."
Me: "So you are unemployed."

Him: "I'm a natural born hustler"
Me: "So you can't legally file taxes"

Him: "Our relationship is complicated"
Me: "Your still fuckin her and haven't told her you are out here tryin to bone other bitches"

Him: "I stay with my boy"
Me: "So you sleep on somebody's couch....."

Okay so maybe I am a little bit judgemental but I really am a sweet girl. I promise. And if anyone knew me they would know by my dating cycle that I give everyone a chance, and my judgements are all in good humor. Because hey, I've been there, and if I can't laugh at myself, I would have slit my wrists years ago.....

In other digressional news...I firmly believe that J hasn't even told his mom that we aren't talking. He definitely brought her into my job and acted as if nothing happened. Calling me babes. Rubbing all over my arms, hugging on me, yes, the whole 9 yards. Now that my friend Shan lives here I thought he might have brought himself around more, but he hasn't. Which we all know, in the long run, is a good thing. He however, randomnly, called me yesterday invited me to some party and I did what any girl with a broken heart who missed her ex terribly would. Acted like I had bad reception and hung up. 8 hours later he sent me a text message saying the following " Just wanted to tell you that u are an angel..."

Only the devil can truly acknowledge an angel when he sees one. Even if she is judgemental.

broken record.

me: "Life happens when you are busy planning it. Life is too short and I would love to spend my life with someone and share all the moments of it's chaotic see of emotions and virtues."

general male population: "damn ma, I'm not trying to settle down. I got my whole life ahead of me"

I am a firm believer that women when it comes to relationships and settling down use the theory that life is short. Men always have their whole life to settle down. The pickins are short for women so the numbers favor men. It's only because we outnumber them......

Waterproof mascara need not apply.

Ahhhhh, milestones. The small, the large, the grateful moments in our lives that we can only appreciate once we've actually jumped over those once seemingly difficult hurdles. Now while at every point in a breakup I wonder if I will ever get over the pain, hurt, frustration, or the general thought of right hooking an ex. Not answering the phone calls has become easier. Not letting his presence affect me at work- let's just say that's on my to do list (along with yoga, reading Madam Curie, and saying no to bread....) Okay so some things are easier than others. However I have broken another barrier in this seven week downward spiral of emotions, obsessively cleaning my house, pathetic R&B play lists on my iPod, and red wine. It is so hard to work with someone you truly want in your life. It's even harder when you are going through the first stages of "not speaking." When approached by him at work, a torpedo of emotions hit me. Why not me? How can he look at me (and trust and believe I pride myself in looking fly at work)? How can he so easily throw me under the bus, into the game, while becoming prime meat for the lions of the single life and the viscous dating cycle?

These are questions I so badly want answered. In previous discussions of our relationship, I got the answers I wanted to hear. The I love yous, the it's not you it's mes, the "if I wanted a relationship tomorrow it would be with yous." Now all I want is the answers I deserve. The "you aren't what I want, you aren't what I need, you aren't even what I think could make me happy. I am not willing to sacrifice the wonderful state of bachelorhood for you because you aren't worth it." But do I get that? No. Approached by him yesterday at work, I get the I love you, the it's not you it's me....I get everything that I want to hear, not anything that I need to hear. Not anything I deserve to hear. Do I feel like he deserves me? Of course. I've been there. I've been there through the dropping out of classes, no money, no car, no phone. I've been there when he first bought his house, in the hood, with no heat, no furniture-and I slept on the floor with him to keep him company. Now that you have your house, your cars, your bike, your phones, and almost your degree, why wouldn't I deserve that? Why wouldn't he deserve someone that was there from the get-go. Someone who was there when you didn't have shit. He confronted me with an hour long confrontation how he doesn't want to fight, he doesn't want this gap between us. But how can I not be bitter? How can I not wonder why this supposedly perfect girl that you claim to have in front of you, doesn't inspire you to want to settle down? If you meet the right person, and it's too soon into the singledom that you had been looking forward to, do you settle down with them? You feel they are so wonderful, and perfect, do you sacrifice the single life's freedoms? Or do you take a chance and let them go. I say you hold on, white-knuckled, for dear life.

If there is one thing that so boldly stood out to me yesterday- my emotions. In any discussion pertaining to our relationship, a monsoon of emotions pour from my eyes. Tears long enough to assist in the Georgia drought. Perfectly, stunningly blue smashbox liner outlined eyes now strewn across my face, water-proof mascara losing it's battle against excessive liquid out pours. I have had my moments in our conversations where I could be mistaken as an understudy for WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE. Oddly enough, I had crossed that new milestone in this break-up, and wasn't even trying. I wasn't holding the tears in. I heard all the excuses, and his reasons, and with a straight face I could say "I'm not willing to continue this cycle. I'm not willing to give myself to you anymore." I was able to walk away from the discussion without showing my emotions, questioning his motives, without accepting his excuses as a reason for staying a little bit longer, and without even an ounce of make-up out of place.

R&R

So I have returned from my vacation to Florida with a majority of my family. It was fabulous on all kinds of levels. I got away for 9 days, I got to see the fam, and most importantly...I got my brown on :) Yes the skin tone level is officially on point. It had record low temperatures in Orlando, so while our pool time was slimmer than other vacations, my cousin and I definitely kept our cups full-all week. At times I honestly questioned getting sloshed in front of my whole family- but as long as I stayed a little bit under my Aunt Car...hey, at least I wasn't alone. My cousin was there too, which was awesome since we usually only see each other once a year. She has her own male drama. So we made a pact- You don't call/text your guy...I won't call or text J. She failed. But, I still didn't call J.

He texted me Monday morning telling me to have a safe trip. Of course if he wasn't being a dickwad he would have known by then I had been in Florida two days....He then called me, and texted me on Friday letting me know that he had given Jennifer my number. He then told me that Jennifer was the girl who was with us on our double date the night before our fiasco occurred. Now mind you, Jennifer was cool...hung out with me for all of 2 hours and lives in California. I can't imagine what she would need to call me for (and she still hasn't called.) I can't keep up with him, I don't know if that was an excuse to call, text....whatever. I did give J's friend Pookie ( no, that isn't his real name, it's my name for him that actually pisses him off...) my car for the week. He was going to detail it, change the oil. Gotta love those west indian personal drive-way car shops...Pookie calls me and lets me know that J had actually taken my car, got it detailed, and took it to get the tint back on the replaced window from my car break in last month. Hmmm....that was nice. So I admit I did text him to say thank you, but that was it, just thank you. And I will also admit that I am the #1 hypocrite for not answering any of his calls or texts, but then I question why doesn't he respond to my thank you text.

So much for being away and getting my mind off of the situation. I think I thought about him more. Of course the wine, Bacardi, cartons of cigarettes, and ignorant amount of food (which all accounts to the 8 pounds I gained last week) were sure a big enough band-aid! On another note, how come some women (me being the number one culprit) feel that they have to look absolutely fly when they run into their ex? Yeah, I pondered that when I got up an hour early, did my hair like I was going to try out for a Pantene commercial, and put about $15 worth of smashbox and bare minerals on my face...And I definitely can't afford to lose my beauty sleep, my hair can't take the heat damage, and I just spent $120 at ULTA as it is....the potential for running into him is getting a little expensive...I guess I'll just have to look a hot ass mess.

He don't got game

soo my blogger bff...wow that's super corny-sorry Bellevue-Had a great idea...come together and check fellas on their game.... There are a few signs that woman recognize as "game." And as woman, we can come together and probably single handedly find each whack line, gimmick, or bootleg individual. Here are her personal tricks to the trade:

1. Your style of dress. If you're dressed like an extra in a 50cent video, dont walk up to a woman in a pants suit and expect her to even give you eye contact. Even a man with a low budget can dress himself to apeal to most women. Its not about how much the shirt cost, its whether or not your pants are hanging off your ass and you have fake jewelry on every extention of your body. If you even LOOK like a stereotypical D boy, you wont get ANY attention from me, or most women who have respect for themselves and want to keep their criminal reccord clean.

2. Your aproach. Fellas fellas fellas. Stop walking up to women who are ignoring you intentionally. We arent playing hard to get. If we want you to talk to us, we will at one point, be caught looking at you. Pay attention to our body language. Do not come on to us like a dog in heat. If you see a woman checking you out, aproach her gently and try using humor. "I saw you staring at me" will make her uncomfortable and not know what to say to you. For example if you're in a grocery store, pay attention to what she's buying, make a cute joke, or compliment something. Reach for cosmopolitan and giggle saying you read the articles so you know what bra's to buy. The way to any real woman's heart is humor, and intelligence. I have had men who make me laugh until I'm red in the face upon meeting them, and it gets them major points. Just make sure your ass is actually funny.

3. ASK HER FOR HER NUMBER. Do not leave it up to a woman to call you. You are a man. You must make the first move. If I am given a phone number, you just put the ball in my court. 9 times out of 10 (and I have done this). I will find a way to use you to my advantage and not take you seriously. I assume that if you dont ask for my number, you wont be able to call me to ask to take me out, and if you're not calling to ask to take me out, I'm not ready to take you seriously. It seems like something so small, but it is very important.

4. Do not call late. If you start calling late as hell, and god forbid you call me after 12am!! You've just been set to the side as possible booty call, but considering it would take me a very very long time to call you for that, you'll be cut off completely. I put your number next to the "secret box" in my closet for emergencies ONLY. Any female who hasnt used a man for that purpose is full of shit. When you call a woman, keep in mind that most of us are expecting you to be a gentleman. If you call after 10 on a monday, I wont pick up. If you want to go out on a tuesday night, I'll assume you have no job, or dont take your job seriously.

5. Listen and get to know her. Educate yourself and have something to talk about. Dont call just to hear me breathe on the phone. Excessive compliments will freak most women out. We like compliments, but if all you have to say to me is how pretty I am, it will deem you as creepy or just down right BORING. Dont be boring. The men in my life who do well with women, love to talk. They will talk talk talk with me until all hours of the night. If you can carry a conversation, you will keep a woman's interest. Women are mental creatures.

6. Dont talk future too fast. We can SMELL weak game a mile away. Too many compliments, too many baby's (too soon), talks of the future too soon, and we will peep that shit. It works on teenage girls, not on us grown folk. You need to upgrade your tactics. It actually SCARES US AWAY NOW.

7. When you're aproaching a woman with kids, Be very cautious. Do NOT show hyper interest in the kid. That sends the spidey senses crazy. We KNOW that game too. Act like you like the kids and think its going to get you somewhere. SMH.

Does all this shit sound really simple? It is. Its shit we EXPECT from you. Some wont consider this GAME because its pretty easy stuff. But you wont believe how many men cant seem to conquer the basics. This seems like dating right? But even if all you want is a friendship with a woman, these things work just as well. Women respond so well to respect & chivallry.

If all you want is ASS, by all MEANS SKIP ALL THIS SHIT!! For respect reasons, dont game women into having sex. I was talking to a guy earlier today who came at me over a year ago trying to get the pooms. He SUCKED at it.

He kept calling me late as hell. Everytime he did, I wouldnt answer the phone, and I wouldnt call him. Finally I told him he's already got his point accross and I'm not interested in his brand of bullshit, but he kept up with the "baby" I just want to get to know you, I call late because I work late, blah blah bullshit. His number went in the emergency booty call box, and he never got a phone call.

If you're going to game me, do it well. Dont half ass it. If I catch "booty call option" on my radar, you'll get canned. There are women out here, whome you can skip all this stuff, and tell her strait up, that you just want sex, and she'll give it to you. If you can help yourself, dont lie to women to get them into bed. BUT if you are goign to game a woman into bed, be smart. We can sense your intentions easier the older we get.

Did I miss anything?

And although Ms. Bellevue got it pretty much dead on- I had some of my own:

There is also a time and a place to approach a woman. I don't care if I looked like I just stepped out of Kim Kardashian camp....I'm at the gas station. If I wanted to hang out and get picked up, I would be standing right where you have been (probably for the last hour)....If you are in the store, paying attention to a woman's shopping, please refrain from hollerin if you see an EPT. I obviously got more shit on plate that worrying about how much you wanna get to know me. Obviously I have already fallen for that shit otherwise I wouldnt be flagging down a cashier for the key to the kiosk in aisle 11. Move on. (and yes that is a true story....)

If we make it to a level where we are kickin it. Check the sex talk. I do not want to hear after the first time doin the do, that you want your trincket to be the last one up in me.

Don't call me from restricted. I don't answer the creditors calls so I won't answer yours. It's obvious you are trying to hide your number, or surprise me. Either way-kick rocks.

The late phone calls....ahhh yes. You have instantly been filed into "we obviously know where this is going" category. I do have a life, and a job, and I need my beauty sleep so I can hopefully pull someone a step up from the bullshit that is callin me at 3:36.

If you are seriously interested in talking to me, don't make some weak excuses as to where you been for the past three days. If you are really diggin me, you would want to talk to me. I know your ass didn't lose any major appendage, my number, or your sense for the past 72 hours...

Don't try and chill with me one on one. We are not a confidential sporting event. Eventually I need to meet your people, be taken in public, or I know that I am your little "Secret." My name is not Latocha Scott.

I have been slick before and ask a dude to call my phone. "I can't find it can you call my phone." And casually grace over onto his screen...if my number is not programmed....you suck. And it is not programmed for a reason. If you can program in your voicemail number jackass, you surely can find a place for me amongst your 200+ contacts.

Don't tell me you are gonna take me out to some nice restaurant, do all these great things....then take me to Olive Garden. Yes I'm Italian, yes I love me some pasta....but can you take me to a restaurant that doesn't include anything all you can eat? I am not one to have to have someone drop paper on me...but if you are gonna talk about it be about it.

23 hours and counting

so I can't wait until vacation tomorrow. Ahhh yes, a week in Florida with all 326 of my family members. I won't have a moment of clear thought, let alone quiet moments, to even think about the past two weeks....

I can honestly say that I miss that man. I know, I know. I'm sure my friends think I should miss him as much as a woman misses a yeast infection. But I do. I can't deny that I wouldn't trade in the absence of him in my life for a relationship. Unfortunately I also feel that you can put what you want in one hand and shit in the other and see what you get more of. And I get POOOOO. He came into my job two days ago. I definitely knew I couldn't show my ass of emotions like an Oprah saves the children episode. He came in and asked me if I would look for another house for him, since I sold him his first one. I explained, ever so non-chalantly, that I didn't think it was a good idea. I had told him that for over a year now....so why ask my advice when you know the answer? Why ask my advice over and over and over again, if you aren't going to listen? After the conversation went on about 10 minutes, I finally said I didn't care what he did. J instantly replied with "why does this have to be about us?" Ummmmmm no boo...I told you my opinion for over 365 days, after this much time "I don't care" was all I had left. He then proceeded to ask when I was leaving for vacation...and who was watching my dog. And let me tell you- he was not keen on me not letting him watch her. He kept trying to convince me like I don't know that this is open territory for you to call me while I am away. He just stood there aimlessly. I told him to have a good one, when he told me he only came there to pick up some stuff. Dude, you ride a motorcycle. This is a construction business...so unless you came over to pick up 6 nails and a few screws....save it! And I say I miss him because after all the drama...and him coming in my job looking homeless...I still had butterflies. Booooo to my damn self.

moment of weakness

so, I am self-loathing....listening to the my favorite latest-i-cant take this anymore-emotional fuckery music. As follows.








As I listen in the my bathroom this morning....I hear Sean Kingston "Take you there" blaring. Normally I wouldn't have this as a ringtone on my phone, but being that J said before our trip to TNT, that it reminded him of us....I notice-Hmmm, that's J's ringtone...It stops. Then it plays again. Wow two phone calls at 7:30 A.M. "Okay Bella. Get it together. You know you want to answer it, but run away like it's Syphilis calling to hang out." So I don't hit ignore, I just don't answer.

My friend calls, damn it's 8 AM. He called her. She didn't answer as she was walking into class. She checks her facebook, he emails her asking for an update about me. 11:30 rolls around and Sean Kingston starts singing again. "Okay Bella. SYPHILIS. Don't pick it up...." And I don't. He speaks with my friend when she got out of class. He tells her he misses me, he asks her how I'm doing. Says he wasn't going to be juvenile and call restricted. He wanted to see if I was financially okay for my vacation next week...but he tells her the call was a moment of weakness. (Rather three separate moments of weakness, two phone calls of weakness to my girl, and a facebook moment of weakness, but who's counting?)

I must admit, the fact J claimed it was just a moment of weakness bothered me. But I realized, he's right. Our whole relationship has been full of moments of weakness. Too weak for him to stay away, stick to his word of not wanting a relationship, stick to his game plan of not treating me like his girlfriend. I just can't react to a situation classified as a moment of weakness. I have had 11+ days of hours of weakness, and after all he is just having a few moments? No thanks. I'll attempt and hopefully continue to stay strong, even if I have to tell myself it's crotch-rot calling.

checkmate.

So let me get this straight. You call my friend. You tell her that you don't want me in pain. That you care about me. You keep her ass on the phone for over an hour until she has to tell you that she got another call. Probably because she her brain felt it was exploding out of her head and was sick of hearing you over and over like a bad techno song. You never say anything different. It's always the same "I don't want a relationship, but I love her. I want my freedom, but I want her in my life." Blah blah blah. FUCKERY. That's what that is. You tell her that you can't focus on anything. And that no matter what, nothing and no one is going to change our relationship. But then what do you do? You turn around and not only delete me off facebook, you BLOCK me. Didn't you just tell my friend how much you cared about me? You knew that would hurt me. And I am not going to sit here and lie and say I don't care. I am having the most Lifetime Movie Marathon of emotions sitting here writing this. I have never in my life been "deleted" from any man's life. I was always the girl that was "too good to let go." Shame on me for thinking 2.5 years meant more to you. Shame on you for not acknowledging that it wasn't. I want so badly to call you and rip you a new one. So badly to pummel the lies out of your cold cruel hearted head. But I wont. I said I could go on with out you. I just couldn't fathom it was on your terms. After all you've done me wrong for so long. I guess I'm just bitter that I didn't have the strength to "delete" you first. Either way, thanks for helping me move on to bigger and better things that someone of my level deserves.

the lesser of two evils....and my letter to the devil.

So, I've done it again. I went digging for something I didn't want to find. Sure your emails, phone, text messages, and facebook are NONE of my business. Rummaging frantically, my heart pounding, my pulse making my fingertips lose control, my heart in my throat, my neck so crooked and sideways you would think the damn emails are upside down. Oh, and let's just add sweating profusely to the recipe. But I had to....I just absolutely-one-hundred-percent needed to go through your shit like the discount bins at TJMAXX. After all you are not honest with it. You don't tell me the truth. Maybe if you change your passwords after you give them to me, or don't use my computer and then forget to sign off, I would have never found out after 2.5 years, that not only do you feel you haven't met anyone worthy of a relationship (yep that's what you told some random heifer on your facebook) but that you are now having an "intimate level" with your best friend. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Hmmm, guess that hard-head-soft-ass comments my friends so jokingly refer to me as may be true. But even if I was wrong, for prying into your life like Jenny Jones, does it make your actions any less wrong? Isn't this what folk would call lying by MF omission?

On the other hand, maybe it's your fault. Maybe if you were more slick with your game, I would have never questioned it. Maybe if you were more slick with your phone, you wouldn't lock all the juicy messages and then forget your phone at my house, unchaperoned for 6 hours. Maybe you shouldn't have told me you loved me and that I was this absolutely gorgeous, amazingly entertaining, funny, charming. smart woman. Maybe you shouldn't have said "it's not that I don't want to be with you Bella, I don't want to be with anybody. But if I decided tomorrow to be in a relationship, it would be with you-absolutely." Maybe if you felt that "you hadn't met anyone worth settling down with" (per your email to that random chic) then you should have let me go years ago. You mean to tell me, that we are NOT in this absolutely confusing situation where we both care about each other on an incredibly-not-just-a-smashpiece level? News to MF ME!

But it's cool. Game peeps game. You want your cake and eat it too. You know I'm the best thing for you. I'm the best you can get (and no that's not being cocky, I've seen what you been working with boo.) My wise grandmother once said "you can't get walked all over unless your laying down." Granted, it sound much more eloquent in Italian. No more laying down for me. No more being your rug, doormat, car mat, throw rug....no mas. No more trading in my backbone for a wishbone. I've told you over and over again, there would be one day were the words wouldn't and couldn't save you anymore. Even though you were paying me just enough to come back the next day, one day the funds would be too low for me to return. I know in weeks, months, years from now I won't regret walking away. But you will regret losing me.

And no, calling my friends isn't working for you. The same thing I told YOUR friend, I'll tell you. OUR FRIENDS CAN'T save us. You aren't in any of my bitches top 5 so save yourself the trouble, energy, and my friends' limited remaining minutes for this month. Better luck next time.