theincrediblyasininelylongupdatebroughttoyoubylenaandsashaspeerpressure.

1. Are you ready? Please by all means grab a bottle of wine, a 40, a cigarette, shit, even pop some popcorn....we could be here all day. And no I would not blame any fool for not ready the whole entry in its entirety.
   
   Aaaaahhhhhh where to begin...Let's see. It's not my fault, as usual that my update is going on two months. For those who know me, nothing is ever my fault, so it seems that I must stay true to myself and blame the following on this hella ridiculous delay:
   
   1. Nothing monumentally amusing has happened to me worth blogging about. Go figure. First for everything.
   
   2. I started going back to school this summer, and let me tell you something....if you are older than 22, I suggest you not pick an Art major. Go with Human Resources, Business, or something geriatric related. Because, I warn you, If you are 25 like my ass you will feel like a grandmother next to all these weed smoking, care free, black nail polish, flip flop wearing 17 year olds. My schedule has actually prevented me from writing as much...okay, writing at all. I'm in school 13 hours two days a week, then still have a night class, and squeezing in three ten hour days at work- exhausting. Getting to campus in downtown Atlanta is a patience hog all in it's own. Thought I was being smart by riding the schools shuttle bus (thanks for the warning Lena)- but fighting the herd to get on that is like fighting for free clean water in a third world country....speaking of third world countries....
   
   3. I am going on six, yes I said six months sharing my one bedroom apartment. B205 is starting to feel like a map for an I.N.S case worker. That's right, I said it. We are living like immigrants. Fuck you if you find that shit offensive, its the GE-YOD damn truth. I love my friends, my brother, and my mother, who have all taken turns staying for a period of time with me. But when it gets to a point that the $170.00 worth of adult fun stuff you buy is going unused because the bathroom is never available, there is always someone on your couch, or in your room....it's exhausting. Nevertheless, the more the merrier, and I am sure that I won't know what to do with myself once I am alone. Except maybe go through eight packs of batteries....speaking of toys....
   
   4. I bet some of you are wondering about the crotch rot. I really should stop calling J that since we are both clean (it cost me $867.48 to find that out- fuck you health insurance. I thought I paid $900 a quarter for a reason...) Is he still around? Drumroll please***************************************************************************************************************************************************um, yeah. While we still don't really hang out, he recently has informed me that the new car he bought is "our" car, he wants to work on getting back together, and telling me I need to be patient. I am patiently awaiting him to tell me he never told me any of those three things. Other than that, I really am just looking forward to my new battery operated collection.
   
   ***I have officially received the certified honest blogger award, and apparently it was done to put some fire under my ass- Thanks Sasha for that text, it woke the whole class up****
   
   
   
   

1. When you receive the prize you must write a post showing it, together with the name of who has given it to you, and link them back

2. Choose a minimum of 7 blogs (or even more) that you find brilliant in their content or design.

3. Show their names and links and leave them a comment informing they were prized with ‘Honest Weblog’

4. Show a picture of those who awarded you and those you give the prize (optional).

5. And then we pass it on!

So here goes...10 random things about me, that I hope I don't regret being honest about....

1. I hate people who litter. In fact if I was to predict ever a reason for going to jail, it would probably be over fighting with some fool that left the Mrs. Winners garbage all over my parking lot.
2. I love mayonnaise. Yeah I stole that from Sasha, but it's the truth. Thank god for Canola oil mayonnaise because now I can put even more on my french fries, sandwiches, and eggs...and not wish that I had some sort of gag reflex to go purge after I eat.
3. As someone who can be extremely "judgemental" and characterized as rude to a point, some people may find it hard to believe that I have difficulty saying no to a guy who asks for my number. If I tippy toe around the subject, and have exhausted my options for everything BUT saying no, and they still ask...I program them under the DON'T contact in my phone.
4. It took me only one situation to realize that if a man truly enjoys or expresses time and time again, to put in the poop chute, you might one day run into him with your gay best guy friend and piece it all together. Hopefully it won't take any of you one time.
5. One of my boobs is extremely larger than the other. Yep, I got a handful and a mouthful. They have been dubbed Biggie Smalls and I am convinced that I could place first and third simultaneously in any given wet t-shirt contest.
6. I am extremely emotional. Okay, again, maybe that was about as clear as day...but I can't remember the last time I watched Oprah, those incredible sad drunk driving commercials, The Pursuit of Happyness, and didn't ball my eyes out. I even pathetically weeped over Making the Band recently when Brian cried.
7. I, no matter how depressed I am, will listen to even MORE depressing music and STILL wonder why I can't get out of my emotional wreck less hole and want to slit my wrists. This does include country music. Shh.
8. I am the best drunk person ever. I am extremely good at keeping the tequila down until my babysitters ever so kindly pull over. And I can give you directions better than a TomTom.
9. I will never understand sleeping with someone and not kissing them. That just might be the strangest-coldest-feel-like-a-two-dollar-trick set up that I am not OK with. If Captain Winkie wants to ride my waves, he better know how to navigate more than just the oars. Oh and yeah, not eating the cookie jar is so '97.
10. I can successfully find anyone who has ever been incarcerated, and have been known to be the one to run to whenever you need help cracking exes passwords, finding your exes latest, figuring out numbers, and even am familiar with a tax program that can tell you who bought what house, the address, sq footage, in the state of GA. Maybe I should have gone with the Criminal Justice program, because I am pre-wired for investigation.

And I don't know if I am allowed to give out the same award to people who have already received them, but if Britney Spears can take three awards from the VMAs out of no where, I can give out this shit to whoever I want.

1. Jarrod Halsey- The man who introduced me to the blog world, and someone I will never understand how brutally intelligent and humorous he could be. And yes JH I see your head getting bigger from here.
2. Sasha- second blog I became addicted to. I swear if lighting striked the same place twice, this chic would be it's target. Different day, different story...and my days wouldn't be the same without tryin to keep up with her ass. She is proof that a chic I might give the ice grill to at the west indian club, is just like me
3. Lena-This butt-er-pee-kin rican (yeah I know its spelled pecan, but for some folks who never heard it before I had to pull a wikipedia enunciation on the ass) Girl has been through it and back- and still not bitter. Gotta give love on that one
4. Verysmartbrothas- oh god the hilarity of that shit.
5. Q- thank god Sasha had a link for you because I don't know how you come up with some of the shit you come up with. And I am so jealous when you and Sasha get together because I know it is riiiiii-muh fuckin-diculous.
6. The Saga- okay so he doesn't blog...but he sure is honestly good to look at.
7. Kieya- Began to read her blog recently, and I give props to anyone who can be blunt with their shit and still find ways to creatively use someecards in over half their blogs.
8. GOODENess- again someone I got into more recently, and thank god for that...more humorous blows for my day.

Alright-y'all done worn me out. And oh would you look at that, I have to go BACK to class. Fan fuckin tabulous.

Missed you all, thanks for those who checked up on me. I'm still alive, my chocha and my sanity are still in tact, and still single and ready to...get a toy...

the book of questions...

so I'm sitting with my girls, and one of my girls homeboys...and we start reading this book. You know one of those book that asks you these off the wall questions like would you rather be blind or def, if you could replace your appendage with a household utensil what would it be. Stupid questions. And some of them were waaaaaaaay to deep for me. Like if you could have two and a half seconds with your God, what facial expression would you flash him as you confess your inner most thoughts. Seriously? Ok, now I am never one to be serious. Whether it's my own self defense mechanism to avoid all my denials, male failures, and repetitive attempts at being an adult....I think someone should make up a REAL question book, something that a few drunk friends can hang out with, and answer, without stumbling on their words, well without me stumbling on my words, and still remain friends at the end of the day. For example

1. You live with your significant other, there is a department of health letter that comes in the mail, you see it...what do you do? what if he/she mentions nothing of it?
2. Your sleeping with a man, they are clearly only built for a 1" by 1" piece of saran wrap and they pull out a Trojan Magnum...for safety reasons, you....?
3. Your ex's best friend is seriously hot, and insisting on making you their smashpiece, knowing it's wrong, but knowing it would be all worth it...what would you do?
4. If given the chance would you really beat that bad ass kid in front of you in the check out at Wal Mart? And their parent for not checking them?
5. Your at your significant other's house, they leave you alone for hours on end, all their passwords are stored in their computer, do your crack into their networking sites? You do and find potentially incriminating information, what do you do?( P.S- Bella highly suggests leaving this one ALONE y'all)


Potentially more to come...for now...back to work....

Equal Oppurtunity Employer

So in the event that all my friends have slowly but surely confirmed that I don't have any standards- let me just say in my defense- OK well I don't have an excuse other than I attempted to have certain standards that I insisted in a partner...

Many women at one point or another have made....the list. The list of things we want in a man, attributes that are worth listing, characteristics and habits that we would rather poke our eye's out with a paperclip than deal with.... It's kind of like our own recipe for success. But with any other attempt at a new dish, you miss a few ingredients....you rather go hungry....

I think I fucked up my own list. First problem? I had one when I was like 7. Considering my age, the only thing on that list should of been a boy who didn't tell me I had cooties, or smacked me around the monkey bars to show that he liked me. Over time, my list got ridiculously, obnoxiously long. And even though I was creating the ultimate man ( keeping in mind that I wasn't being too outlandish) , over time, I crossed out a majority of my list. Here in chronological order, are a sample of my lists.

Age 7:
1. Loves New Kids on the Block
2. Wants 4 kids when we get married, and will let me name them
3. Says please and thank you

Age 13
1. Doesn't even know what NKOTB stands for
2. Wants 4 kids when we get married, and will let me name them
3. Has his own bike
4. Says please and thank you

Age 18: (this one was cut dramatically for reader saving purposes)
1. Wants 4 kids when we get married, and will let me name them
2. Knows not to wear brown shoes with a black belt
3. Has his own mode of transportation, and knows how to drive
4. Has nice, clean shoes
5. Gorgeous
6. Nice smile
7. On the road to college, or somehow furthering his education
8. Loyal
9. Honest
10. Incredible sense of humor that appreciates my sense of humor.
11. Respectful
12. No probation officer to report to
13. Has a job
14. Says please and thank you

Age 21:
1. Wants 4 kids when we get married, at least two of them being from me.....
2. Understands why I wont let him walk out of the house with brown shoes and a black belt
3. Has access to some type of mode of transportation, and has a permit
4. Will keep the shoes I buy him clean
5. Attractive
6. On the road that potentially, not guaranteed, will lead him to furthering his education
7. You could say he's somewhat loyal and honest
8. Somewhat of a sense of humor, and can laugh at half my jokes.
9. No probation or parole officer to report to
10. Has a job and or in the stages of a final interview, and doesn't make beats.
11. Says please and thank you

Age 24:
1. Doesn't have four kids by the time we get married
2. Just knows how to drive
3. Mildly attractive
4. Has at least his GED
5. Sense of humor that will laugh at one fifth of my jokes
6. Is willing to work, and doesn't make beats.
7. Says please and thank you

Currently
1. Says please and thank you



Let's just hope I currently am not asking for too much.

Gravity is a bitch.

Apparently "The Holiday" is by far, this year, the movie I can relate to the most. And even though it's about three years old, if I had watched it, maybe my slow ass would have understood the past three years of my life wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better. Every woman should see this movie. Not because it has some insanely moving story line, but because at one point or another, you are going to relate to one of the female characters in the movie. And seeing that I have had my moments mirror that of "the loner, loser, and complicated wreck..." I've inevitably watched this movie more than neccessary the past few weeks. But more often I could relate to the emotional disaster....Kate Winslet. In two scenes, her words pretty much summed up my relationship status ( and obviously, lack there of....)

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms........"

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

Onto gravity...And I'm not talking about the fact that as the years pass, everything isn't quite the same as 17...But it's the only force that I can blame these days due to a.) denial, b.) utter stupidity, and c)my extreme overly bearing laziness which could quite possibly be misdiagnosed as sheer depression, all in which are an excuse to not get on here and vent more often. And that Sara Bareilles, boy she can send a bitch straight to her prozac bottle. Apparently, there's this song, Gravity....If you could copyright my emotions, here's what it would look like on paper, and sound like just to cut that obnoxious wound deeper....

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I really need to start listening to something heavier.....

uninspired babbling...

so it shocks me it's taking me this long to come around. It feels that so much has been happening but nothing has inspired me to write.

I currently have three other people living with me, soon to be four, in my one bedroom apartment. Yes we are living like a bunch of _____ (insert your favorite group of immigrants/least offensive remark here.) My brother who is working for the movie that the company that I work for is working on, my friend who just moved down here and is getting set up, my cousin who moved back here and is getting on her feet, and soon to be my mom who is coming to visit for the summer. And don't forget to throw in my 6 lb obnoxious chihuahua. Maybe the reason why I haven't found the energy to write, is my house is keeping me pretty busy....and I'm still recovery from Italy's loss in the Euro cup....

In other news...I am going back to school. Yay. Going to Georgia State for Graphic Design. Let's see how long this lasts. Transferred my Associates in General Studies, which as we know- is generally worth nothing, they accepted all but one semester sooooo....I'm pretty excited. Let's see how long this excitement lasts. No more being a loser for me.

In oh that kinda news...Jay still sucks. What else is new. We've been seeing alot more of each other which as you know in the long run makes me as happy as a collection notice. His two friends told me he was proposing to me. In my drunken stupor, and yes, I mean STUPOR, I asked him about it....totally denied it. And then like J always does says that if he did say it....would it really matter, blah blah fuckery. He then proceeded to re-request me on facebook. He sucks.

Unfortunately the only way to get over one piece of nasty penis is to go out and find another rotten one. So I have a this only happens to me story. I meet this really cute guy at this place I go to every Friday. He gives me the same ol same ol. How gorgeous I am. And he's in graduate school, and he's got his own place, and a job. I nearly shit a brick when he said he didn't have any kids. So I'm excited....and later that week I'm telling my girl about him. Then her face starts to change. She says hmmm....that sounds familiar... he's from Brooklyn...he wears a Yankees fitted? His name is? We both pull out our cell phones.... Needless to say... the numbers were the same. I know you aren't supposed to meet men in the club but really...where can you meet somebody? The grocery store? I mean my gynecologist is kinda hot but who can take anybody seriously who's named Dr. Handy...seriously.

Pray for me y'all.

I make beats yo.

yeah and let me just say I could give a fuck less. It seems as soon as I drove south of the Georgia border everyone and they momma became a music producer. The following scenario probably happens weekly, and not only in the club, but also at the gas station, waffle house, Gladys Knight's Chicken and Waffles, The Cheesecake Factory, ETC.

I walk into a club, and every man deems it necessary to make it a part of their game.

Bootleg Dude at club, with sunglasses on, rocking a blue tooth on...which by the way I never quite fully understood anyway...who the fuck are you talking to? I can't hear my damn girl who is right the hell next to me so I know you aren't accepting no damn incoming calls...approaches me with the following conversation:

"Ay,Ay Shawty"
ME: "Hi"
Bootleg Dude: "How you doin Miss lady"
ME: "Fine how are you"
BD : "I'm good you enjoyin yourself"
Me: "Im good enjoying the music"
BD" yeah you like the music? I make beats too you know" (hands me some triflin version of a demo with a picture of him, twelve pit bulls, and about 8 AK's on it, 4 pieces of random bling, and the words GUNTOTINCHEESESTACKERS)

BD then pulls a crinkled up card from his wallet that apparently he had his alleged secretary made for him, proceeds to tell me that his cousin also has a studio. His cousin's baby's ma's brother's uncle has an up an coming label . His brother is also a producer/rapper but is going through some hard times right now,but he be on that bull shit sometimes so he don't really be fucking with him like that.

Now those of you who may have read my Judgemental Angel Post, may see this response coming:
Me: "So you don't have a job?"

I dont trust you bitch....

Let me just start out by saying that both my liver and I survived another Atlanta Carnival Weekend. Not the flyest I have attended, in fact whack in comparison...but with good friends- exciting nonetheless.

Anywhoo. I fully blame the republican party for the small attendance of any West Indian parties this weekend. After all who in the hell can afford to fill up the "muddacunt" gas tank at $4.53 a gallon, drive 35 miles one way, pay $20 cover-jus to bus a whine. Thank you George Bush.

In other pathetic news. Apparently my teenage love affair has been cut short. J said he is buying the tickets for me and a friend of mine for the Alicia Keys concert. While I pride myself In being multi-cultural. I can make my way around a Trini conversation, and attempt to whine with d best of dem. My spanish would survive in the bars of Tijuana. And I can tell you any shape of any pasta at any Trattoria (now that could be because I'm Italian or because I'm a heifer who likes to eat-you decide.) What I truly would like to believe is that I didn't make up yet another random conversation and pull it out of my guinea ass.

In other digressional news. How come every time I go to get my nails and toes done, these lovely Asian women ask if I want my eye brows done. Listen chic, do I really want my eye brows done by some heffa who shaves hers off and draws hers in...I don't trust you bitch.....

thank you and good day.