the book of questions...

so I'm sitting with my girls, and one of my girls homeboys...and we start reading this book. You know one of those book that asks you these off the wall questions like would you rather be blind or def, if you could replace your appendage with a household utensil what would it be. Stupid questions. And some of them were waaaaaaaay to deep for me. Like if you could have two and a half seconds with your God, what facial expression would you flash him as you confess your inner most thoughts. Seriously? Ok, now I am never one to be serious. Whether it's my own self defense mechanism to avoid all my denials, male failures, and repetitive attempts at being an adult....I think someone should make up a REAL question book, something that a few drunk friends can hang out with, and answer, without stumbling on their words, well without me stumbling on my words, and still remain friends at the end of the day. For example

1. You live with your significant other, there is a department of health letter that comes in the mail, you see it...what do you do? what if he/she mentions nothing of it?
2. Your sleeping with a man, they are clearly only built for a 1" by 1" piece of saran wrap and they pull out a Trojan Magnum...for safety reasons, you....?
3. Your ex's best friend is seriously hot, and insisting on making you their smashpiece, knowing it's wrong, but knowing it would be all worth it...what would you do?
4. If given the chance would you really beat that bad ass kid in front of you in the check out at Wal Mart? And their parent for not checking them?
5. Your at your significant other's house, they leave you alone for hours on end, all their passwords are stored in their computer, do your crack into their networking sites? You do and find potentially incriminating information, what do you do?( P.S- Bella highly suggests leaving this one ALONE y'all)


Potentially more to come...for now...back to work....

Equal Oppurtunity Employer

So in the event that all my friends have slowly but surely confirmed that I don't have any standards- let me just say in my defense- OK well I don't have an excuse other than I attempted to have certain standards that I insisted in a partner...

Many women at one point or another have made....the list. The list of things we want in a man, attributes that are worth listing, characteristics and habits that we would rather poke our eye's out with a paperclip than deal with.... It's kind of like our own recipe for success. But with any other attempt at a new dish, you miss a few ingredients....you rather go hungry....

I think I fucked up my own list. First problem? I had one when I was like 7. Considering my age, the only thing on that list should of been a boy who didn't tell me I had cooties, or smacked me around the monkey bars to show that he liked me. Over time, my list got ridiculously, obnoxiously long. And even though I was creating the ultimate man ( keeping in mind that I wasn't being too outlandish) , over time, I crossed out a majority of my list. Here in chronological order, are a sample of my lists.

Age 7:
1. Loves New Kids on the Block
2. Wants 4 kids when we get married, and will let me name them
3. Says please and thank you

Age 13
1. Doesn't even know what NKOTB stands for
2. Wants 4 kids when we get married, and will let me name them
3. Has his own bike
4. Says please and thank you

Age 18: (this one was cut dramatically for reader saving purposes)
1. Wants 4 kids when we get married, and will let me name them
2. Knows not to wear brown shoes with a black belt
3. Has his own mode of transportation, and knows how to drive
4. Has nice, clean shoes
5. Gorgeous
6. Nice smile
7. On the road to college, or somehow furthering his education
8. Loyal
9. Honest
10. Incredible sense of humor that appreciates my sense of humor.
11. Respectful
12. No probation officer to report to
13. Has a job
14. Says please and thank you

Age 21:
1. Wants 4 kids when we get married, at least two of them being from me.....
2. Understands why I wont let him walk out of the house with brown shoes and a black belt
3. Has access to some type of mode of transportation, and has a permit
4. Will keep the shoes I buy him clean
5. Attractive
6. On the road that potentially, not guaranteed, will lead him to furthering his education
7. You could say he's somewhat loyal and honest
8. Somewhat of a sense of humor, and can laugh at half my jokes.
9. No probation or parole officer to report to
10. Has a job and or in the stages of a final interview, and doesn't make beats.
11. Says please and thank you

Age 24:
1. Doesn't have four kids by the time we get married
2. Just knows how to drive
3. Mildly attractive
4. Has at least his GED
5. Sense of humor that will laugh at one fifth of my jokes
6. Is willing to work, and doesn't make beats.
7. Says please and thank you

Currently
1. Says please and thank you



Let's just hope I currently am not asking for too much.

Gravity is a bitch.

Apparently "The Holiday" is by far, this year, the movie I can relate to the most. And even though it's about three years old, if I had watched it, maybe my slow ass would have understood the past three years of my life wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy better. Every woman should see this movie. Not because it has some insanely moving story line, but because at one point or another, you are going to relate to one of the female characters in the movie. And seeing that I have had my moments mirror that of "the loner, loser, and complicated wreck..." I've inevitably watched this movie more than neccessary the past few weeks. But more often I could relate to the emotional disaster....Kate Winslet. In two scenes, her words pretty much summed up my relationship status ( and obviously, lack there of....)

"I've found almost everything ever written about love to be true. Shakespeare said "Journeys end in lovers meeting." What an extraordinary thought. Personally, I have not experienced anything remotely close to that, but I am more than willing to believe Shakespeare had. I suppose I think about love more than anyone really should. I am constantly amazed by its sheer power to alter and define our lives. It was Shakespeare who also said "love is blind". Now that is something I know to be true. For some quite inexplicably, love fades; for others love is simply lost. But then of course love can also be found, even if just for the night. And then, there's another kind of love: the cruelest kind. The one that almost kills its victims. Its called unrequited love. Of that I am an expert. Most love stories are about people who fall in love with each other. But what about the rest of us? What about our stories, those of us who fall in love alone? We are the victims of the one sided affair. We are the cursed of the loved ones. We are the unloved ones, the walking wounded. The handicapped without the advantage of a great parking space! Yes, you are looking at one such individual. And I have willingly loved that man for over three miserable years! The absolute worst years of my life! The worst Christmas', the worst Birthday's, New Years Eve's brought in by tears and valium. These years that I have been in love have been the darkest days of my life. All because I've been cursed by being in love with a man who does not and will not love me back. Oh god, just the sight of him! Heart pounding! Throat thickening! Absolutely can't swallow! All the usual symptoms........"

"I understand feeling as small and as insignificant as humanly possible. And how it can actually ache in places you didn't know you had inside you. And it doesn't matter how many new haircuts you get, or gyms you join, or how many glasses of chardonnay you drink with your girlfriends... you still go to bed every night going over every detail and wonder what you did wrong or how you could have misunderstood. And how in the hell for that brief moment you could think that you were that happy. And sometimes you can even convince yourself that he'll see the light and show up at your door. And after all that, however long all that may be, you'll go somewhere new. And you'll meet people who make you feel worthwhile again. And little pieces of your soul will finally come back. And all that fuzzy stuff, those years of your life that you wasted, that will eventually begin to fade. "

Onto gravity...And I'm not talking about the fact that as the years pass, everything isn't quite the same as 17...But it's the only force that I can blame these days due to a.) denial, b.) utter stupidity, and c)my extreme overly bearing laziness which could quite possibly be misdiagnosed as sheer depression, all in which are an excuse to not get on here and vent more often. And that Sara Bareilles, boy she can send a bitch straight to her prozac bottle. Apparently, there's this song, Gravity....If you could copyright my emotions, here's what it would look like on paper, and sound like just to cut that obnoxious wound deeper....

Something always brings me back to you.
It never takes too long.
No matter what I say or do I'll still feel you here 'til the moment I'm gone.

You hold me without touch.
You keep me without chains.
I never wanted anything so much than to drown in your love and not feel your rain.

CHORUS
Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

You loved me 'cause I'm fragile.
When I thought that I was strong.
But you touch me for a little while and all my fragile strength is gone.

Set me free, leave me be. I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall, just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.

I live here on my knees as I try to make you see that you're everything I think I need here on the ground.
But you're neither friend nor foe though I can't seem to let you go.
The one thing that I still know is that you're keeping me down

I really need to start listening to something heavier.....