white folk smell like fried bologna.

While I admit that I may fall victim to certain stereotypes (I have dated black men, rock Timbs, and have gold bamboo earrings that are larger than life....) I also find myself buying into other stereotypes (all West Indian men can fix my car....) But today, I find myself at a crossroads. Today I find myself confused about some truths, facts, demographic statistics. Today I wonder- will the question boggling my brain this afternoon ever truthfully be answered. Will some major research group full of overworked college grads ever reveal the truth....

Do white people or black people eat more chicken?*

*this is in no way to offend anyone. An actual question brought to me in a completely neutral environment while watching Flavor of Love 3.

R&R

So I have returned from my vacation to Florida with a majority of my family. It was fabulous on all kinds of levels. I got away for 9 days, I got to see the fam, and most importantly...I got my brown on :) Yes the skin tone level is officially on point. It had record low temperatures in Orlando, so while our pool time was slimmer than other vacations, my cousin and I definitely kept our cups full-all week. At times I honestly questioned getting sloshed in front of my whole family- but as long as I stayed a little bit under my Aunt Car...hey, at least I wasn't alone. My cousin was there too, which was awesome since we usually only see each other once a year. She has her own male drama. So we made a pact- You don't call/text your guy...I won't call or text J. She failed. But, I still didn't call J.

He texted me Monday morning telling me to have a safe trip. Of course if he wasn't being a dickwad he would have known by then I had been in Florida two days....He then called me, and texted me on Friday letting me know that he had given Jennifer my number. He then told me that Jennifer was the girl who was with us on our double date the night before our fiasco occurred. Now mind you, Jennifer was cool...hung out with me for all of 2 hours and lives in California. I can't imagine what she would need to call me for (and she still hasn't called.) I can't keep up with him, I don't know if that was an excuse to call, text....whatever. I did give J's friend Pookie ( no, that isn't his real name, it's my name for him that actually pisses him off...) my car for the week. He was going to detail it, change the oil. Gotta love those west indian personal drive-way car shops...Pookie calls me and lets me know that J had actually taken my car, got it detailed, and took it to get the tint back on the replaced window from my car break in last month. Hmmm....that was nice. So I admit I did text him to say thank you, but that was it, just thank you. And I will also admit that I am the #1 hypocrite for not answering any of his calls or texts, but then I question why doesn't he respond to my thank you text.

So much for being away and getting my mind off of the situation. I think I thought about him more. Of course the wine, Bacardi, cartons of cigarettes, and ignorant amount of food (which all accounts to the 8 pounds I gained last week) were sure a big enough band-aid! On another note, how come some women (me being the number one culprit) feel that they have to look absolutely fly when they run into their ex? Yeah, I pondered that when I got up an hour early, did my hair like I was going to try out for a Pantene commercial, and put about $15 worth of smashbox and bare minerals on my face...And I definitely can't afford to lose my beauty sleep, my hair can't take the heat damage, and I just spent $120 at ULTA as it is....the potential for running into him is getting a little expensive...I guess I'll just have to look a hot ass mess.

He don't got game

soo my blogger bff...wow that's super corny-sorry Bellevue-Had a great idea...come together and check fellas on their game.... There are a few signs that woman recognize as "game." And as woman, we can come together and probably single handedly find each whack line, gimmick, or bootleg individual. Here are her personal tricks to the trade:

1. Your style of dress. If you're dressed like an extra in a 50cent video, dont walk up to a woman in a pants suit and expect her to even give you eye contact. Even a man with a low budget can dress himself to apeal to most women. Its not about how much the shirt cost, its whether or not your pants are hanging off your ass and you have fake jewelry on every extention of your body. If you even LOOK like a stereotypical D boy, you wont get ANY attention from me, or most women who have respect for themselves and want to keep their criminal reccord clean.

2. Your aproach. Fellas fellas fellas. Stop walking up to women who are ignoring you intentionally. We arent playing hard to get. If we want you to talk to us, we will at one point, be caught looking at you. Pay attention to our body language. Do not come on to us like a dog in heat. If you see a woman checking you out, aproach her gently and try using humor. "I saw you staring at me" will make her uncomfortable and not know what to say to you. For example if you're in a grocery store, pay attention to what she's buying, make a cute joke, or compliment something. Reach for cosmopolitan and giggle saying you read the articles so you know what bra's to buy. The way to any real woman's heart is humor, and intelligence. I have had men who make me laugh until I'm red in the face upon meeting them, and it gets them major points. Just make sure your ass is actually funny.

3. ASK HER FOR HER NUMBER. Do not leave it up to a woman to call you. You are a man. You must make the first move. If I am given a phone number, you just put the ball in my court. 9 times out of 10 (and I have done this). I will find a way to use you to my advantage and not take you seriously. I assume that if you dont ask for my number, you wont be able to call me to ask to take me out, and if you're not calling to ask to take me out, I'm not ready to take you seriously. It seems like something so small, but it is very important.

4. Do not call late. If you start calling late as hell, and god forbid you call me after 12am!! You've just been set to the side as possible booty call, but considering it would take me a very very long time to call you for that, you'll be cut off completely. I put your number next to the "secret box" in my closet for emergencies ONLY. Any female who hasnt used a man for that purpose is full of shit. When you call a woman, keep in mind that most of us are expecting you to be a gentleman. If you call after 10 on a monday, I wont pick up. If you want to go out on a tuesday night, I'll assume you have no job, or dont take your job seriously.

5. Listen and get to know her. Educate yourself and have something to talk about. Dont call just to hear me breathe on the phone. Excessive compliments will freak most women out. We like compliments, but if all you have to say to me is how pretty I am, it will deem you as creepy or just down right BORING. Dont be boring. The men in my life who do well with women, love to talk. They will talk talk talk with me until all hours of the night. If you can carry a conversation, you will keep a woman's interest. Women are mental creatures.

6. Dont talk future too fast. We can SMELL weak game a mile away. Too many compliments, too many baby's (too soon), talks of the future too soon, and we will peep that shit. It works on teenage girls, not on us grown folk. You need to upgrade your tactics. It actually SCARES US AWAY NOW.

7. When you're aproaching a woman with kids, Be very cautious. Do NOT show hyper interest in the kid. That sends the spidey senses crazy. We KNOW that game too. Act like you like the kids and think its going to get you somewhere. SMH.

Does all this shit sound really simple? It is. Its shit we EXPECT from you. Some wont consider this GAME because its pretty easy stuff. But you wont believe how many men cant seem to conquer the basics. This seems like dating right? But even if all you want is a friendship with a woman, these things work just as well. Women respond so well to respect & chivallry.

If all you want is ASS, by all MEANS SKIP ALL THIS SHIT!! For respect reasons, dont game women into having sex. I was talking to a guy earlier today who came at me over a year ago trying to get the pooms. He SUCKED at it.

He kept calling me late as hell. Everytime he did, I wouldnt answer the phone, and I wouldnt call him. Finally I told him he's already got his point accross and I'm not interested in his brand of bullshit, but he kept up with the "baby" I just want to get to know you, I call late because I work late, blah blah bullshit. His number went in the emergency booty call box, and he never got a phone call.

If you're going to game me, do it well. Dont half ass it. If I catch "booty call option" on my radar, you'll get canned. There are women out here, whome you can skip all this stuff, and tell her strait up, that you just want sex, and she'll give it to you. If you can help yourself, dont lie to women to get them into bed. BUT if you are goign to game a woman into bed, be smart. We can sense your intentions easier the older we get.

Did I miss anything?

And although Ms. Bellevue got it pretty much dead on- I had some of my own:

There is also a time and a place to approach a woman. I don't care if I looked like I just stepped out of Kim Kardashian camp....I'm at the gas station. If I wanted to hang out and get picked up, I would be standing right where you have been (probably for the last hour)....If you are in the store, paying attention to a woman's shopping, please refrain from hollerin if you see an EPT. I obviously got more shit on plate that worrying about how much you wanna get to know me. Obviously I have already fallen for that shit otherwise I wouldnt be flagging down a cashier for the key to the kiosk in aisle 11. Move on. (and yes that is a true story....)

If we make it to a level where we are kickin it. Check the sex talk. I do not want to hear after the first time doin the do, that you want your trincket to be the last one up in me.

Don't call me from restricted. I don't answer the creditors calls so I won't answer yours. It's obvious you are trying to hide your number, or surprise me. Either way-kick rocks.

The late phone calls....ahhh yes. You have instantly been filed into "we obviously know where this is going" category. I do have a life, and a job, and I need my beauty sleep so I can hopefully pull someone a step up from the bullshit that is callin me at 3:36.

If you are seriously interested in talking to me, don't make some weak excuses as to where you been for the past three days. If you are really diggin me, you would want to talk to me. I know your ass didn't lose any major appendage, my number, or your sense for the past 72 hours...

Don't try and chill with me one on one. We are not a confidential sporting event. Eventually I need to meet your people, be taken in public, or I know that I am your little "Secret." My name is not Latocha Scott.

I have been slick before and ask a dude to call my phone. "I can't find it can you call my phone." And casually grace over onto his screen...if my number is not programmed....you suck. And it is not programmed for a reason. If you can program in your voicemail number jackass, you surely can find a place for me amongst your 200+ contacts.

Don't tell me you are gonna take me out to some nice restaurant, do all these great things....then take me to Olive Garden. Yes I'm Italian, yes I love me some pasta....but can you take me to a restaurant that doesn't include anything all you can eat? I am not one to have to have someone drop paper on me...but if you are gonna talk about it be about it.

23 hours and counting

so I can't wait until vacation tomorrow. Ahhh yes, a week in Florida with all 326 of my family members. I won't have a moment of clear thought, let alone quiet moments, to even think about the past two weeks....

I can honestly say that I miss that man. I know, I know. I'm sure my friends think I should miss him as much as a woman misses a yeast infection. But I do. I can't deny that I wouldn't trade in the absence of him in my life for a relationship. Unfortunately I also feel that you can put what you want in one hand and shit in the other and see what you get more of. And I get POOOOO. He came into my job two days ago. I definitely knew I couldn't show my ass of emotions like an Oprah saves the children episode. He came in and asked me if I would look for another house for him, since I sold him his first one. I explained, ever so non-chalantly, that I didn't think it was a good idea. I had told him that for over a year now....so why ask my advice when you know the answer? Why ask my advice over and over and over again, if you aren't going to listen? After the conversation went on about 10 minutes, I finally said I didn't care what he did. J instantly replied with "why does this have to be about us?" Ummmmmm no boo...I told you my opinion for over 365 days, after this much time "I don't care" was all I had left. He then proceeded to ask when I was leaving for vacation...and who was watching my dog. And let me tell you- he was not keen on me not letting him watch her. He kept trying to convince me like I don't know that this is open territory for you to call me while I am away. He just stood there aimlessly. I told him to have a good one, when he told me he only came there to pick up some stuff. Dude, you ride a motorcycle. This is a construction business...so unless you came over to pick up 6 nails and a few screws....save it! And I say I miss him because after all the drama...and him coming in my job looking homeless...I still had butterflies. Booooo to my damn self.

I'm scared.

As I listen to Maury today, and all the infamous baby-mamma-daddy-you aint shit-im taking you to court-drama...I really do feel bad for the chi'rren. They got these crazy, off the wall, trashy people at times more worried about who the parents doing the nasty to, then about the kids. But do you know who I am scared for? Me. Cause these crazy ass people are raising the children that one day are going to be responsible for my meds and wipin my ass in a nursing home.

moment of weakness

so, I am self-loathing....listening to the my favorite latest-i-cant take this anymore-emotional fuckery music. As follows.








As I listen in the my bathroom this morning....I hear Sean Kingston "Take you there" blaring. Normally I wouldn't have this as a ringtone on my phone, but being that J said before our trip to TNT, that it reminded him of us....I notice-Hmmm, that's J's ringtone...It stops. Then it plays again. Wow two phone calls at 7:30 A.M. "Okay Bella. Get it together. You know you want to answer it, but run away like it's Syphilis calling to hang out." So I don't hit ignore, I just don't answer.

My friend calls, damn it's 8 AM. He called her. She didn't answer as she was walking into class. She checks her facebook, he emails her asking for an update about me. 11:30 rolls around and Sean Kingston starts singing again. "Okay Bella. SYPHILIS. Don't pick it up...." And I don't. He speaks with my friend when she got out of class. He tells her he misses me, he asks her how I'm doing. Says he wasn't going to be juvenile and call restricted. He wanted to see if I was financially okay for my vacation next week...but he tells her the call was a moment of weakness. (Rather three separate moments of weakness, two phone calls of weakness to my girl, and a facebook moment of weakness, but who's counting?)

I must admit, the fact J claimed it was just a moment of weakness bothered me. But I realized, he's right. Our whole relationship has been full of moments of weakness. Too weak for him to stay away, stick to his word of not wanting a relationship, stick to his game plan of not treating me like his girlfriend. I just can't react to a situation classified as a moment of weakness. I have had 11+ days of hours of weakness, and after all he is just having a few moments? No thanks. I'll attempt and hopefully continue to stay strong, even if I have to tell myself it's crotch-rot calling.

another random weekend.

So in a complete effort to blow my mind off of this emotional downward cluster fuck of a week...I went out. A few times. Friday was a simple night out to the underground hip hop scene. Tried to keep my mind off of him, but since we would go there together, and it was the first place we met...it wasn't as easy as I thought.

But the next night? ON AND MF POPPIN. It was one of those successful nights at the West Indian club. You know where you leave, get home, 4 AM, peeling of your clothes, feet hurt, legs ache, and you probably won't gain hearing back until at least Monday....yep it was that good. However, whats the deal with some of these guys boo-ing girls up at the damn club? I mean a little action is cool, but I have danced the reggae set, the dancehall set, the NY set, the ATL set, and the soca set with you....And what the hell is damn bumpin and grindin to Jay Z....I'm confused. Can I at least get a two step? SOMETHING!!! OH it was HAWWWWWWIbble. This man would not leave me alone. I tried everything, stepping away, finding other guys, dancing horrifically off beat, and even running away. He was on me like jerk on chicken. I've realized that you can't be nice to some folk. Some folk you gotta be ignorantly abrasive. We took a series of pictures that night....and my bug a boo got some action



on another note...have you ever noticed how someone could ruin a name? Certain people can just RUIN a name. Whether its Omarosa, Paris, Adolph....you get the point. And it's not just celebrities, it could be your high school nemesis...or your mentally unstable cousin. I know there was a few names that I loved, but could never pass on to my children, because some where along the lines I met someone and they made me throw up in my mouth every time I heard the name. I know it's bad. Just thought about it being that I met a really nice guy Saturday. We had a good time. And no it is not the bug-a-boo pictured above. But towards the end I find out his name. Same as my father. For those of you who don't know- that's REALLY not a good thing.

I woke up early yesterday, pissed off because everyone knew not to call because I was going out. As described above, I was looking forward to that GOOD sleep. Can I get 8 hours. NOoooooo. I get 5. Apparently J deemed it necessary to send me two pictures of MYSELF. No contact with him except fighting through friends...and you randomly send me a picture of me on the beach in Trinidad, and a picture of me sleeping (with my mouth open :D ) I mean, not that I don't love pictures...but this is unnecessary. I told myself that he was probably just deleting them out of his phone and figured he would send them to me. Until 8 hours later he sent the picture of me sleeping....again. I don't know if he sent them for me to respond...but I didn't, either time. Bastard.

8th grade

so apparently I am fighting with J through our friends. We aren't speaking to each other, haven't in a week, which is about the longest ever for us. And mind you, at least a half dozen times one of us has been out of the country in the past few. He called my girl to vent, I called his boy to checkmate him because he is sooooooooooooooooo giving the after school special version of our HBO mature audience only situation. Anywhoo, I called and apologized to his friend for going off about the situation, that it wasn't a mature 1.7 minute phone call. He calls me back pleading with me not to end it. J loves me, but he's just going through a patch. Personally, I ain't never heard of no type of 2.5 year patch. And i would HATE to see how long a struggle would take...I instantly told his friend, Sinai, that he couldn't save the situation. Sinai is ALWAYS in my face to telling me to stick it out, running along my side like Diddy's personal trainer did him for the NYC marathon. But y'all I'm so tired. Not even inspiring words from my 2.5 year emotional trainer can help me. I call Sinai "false hope." Because that's what he gives me. He sells me a dream and i get a few moments lapse in judgement. I insisted that I was just tired. I shouldn't have to prove the type of person I am....

After the phone call, I did feel better. It's always a relief to have so many people from J's side support me. Must suck having your own friends think your a douche everyday. But the phone calls from J continue to my girl. Finally I had to tell via text, since he blocked me from facebook to stop. But not after I made one more call to Sinai to vent my hurt and pain from the juvenile actions on a networking service.....Do you know what this dude did? After alllllllll the "fuck that dude, I'm done, i can find someone worth my time more...fuck him fuck him fuck him....
" Just imagine an Italian girl from up top, bitter as hell, on a destruction path of verbal attacks. Do you know what Sinai got from this torpedo of emotions? He tells J that he talked to me, and that I love and miss J. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS DUDE? You might as well be a TMZcorrespondent cause you twisting up E'RTHING! So now J is at home, probably laughing cause I'm sure he thinks that I'm a joke. After all this drama, pathetic lil 'ol me is at home crying myself to sleep over him....and even if that was remotely true it's none of his Gee-YOD damn business. :""( I love Sinai regardless, deep in his twisted head he thinks he's helping the situation by all of this...but I'm not tryin to sell J more of an ego boost. Leave that to the new chics.

Pertaining to our facebook issues....I found the pic of the two of us that they took at the club the night before all this drama happened. So, I liked the picture, but I didn't find it until Wednesday, post disaster. So why would I put up a picture of the both of us. I cropped his ass the hell out. I left all our other pictures alone because that would be just petty. You cant tell it's him, and on my myspace I kept the picture whole. He doesn't have myspace, and neither do his friends so I can post without worrying that this dude will think I'm pathedically attemtpting to reconcile. In yet ANOTHER phone call to my friend he went on and on about how I deleted him out of the 20 pics of us on facebook, I basically deleted him out of my life. NO BRAINIAC. I cropped you outta one. So apparently he calls my friend to relay that message to me. That he only deleted and blocked me because I started it. He officially is fighting with me via my girl. And apparently having messages relayed to me. I feel like I'm in junior high hell, and the homeroom bell just rang...the day has only begun....

Apparently this is going to be the level of the attempt at reconciliation I have to deal with:

checkmate.

So let me get this straight. You call my friend. You tell her that you don't want me in pain. That you care about me. You keep her ass on the phone for over an hour until she has to tell you that she got another call. Probably because she her brain felt it was exploding out of her head and was sick of hearing you over and over like a bad techno song. You never say anything different. It's always the same "I don't want a relationship, but I love her. I want my freedom, but I want her in my life." Blah blah blah. FUCKERY. That's what that is. You tell her that you can't focus on anything. And that no matter what, nothing and no one is going to change our relationship. But then what do you do? You turn around and not only delete me off facebook, you BLOCK me. Didn't you just tell my friend how much you cared about me? You knew that would hurt me. And I am not going to sit here and lie and say I don't care. I am having the most Lifetime Movie Marathon of emotions sitting here writing this. I have never in my life been "deleted" from any man's life. I was always the girl that was "too good to let go." Shame on me for thinking 2.5 years meant more to you. Shame on you for not acknowledging that it wasn't. I want so badly to call you and rip you a new one. So badly to pummel the lies out of your cold cruel hearted head. But I wont. I said I could go on with out you. I just couldn't fathom it was on your terms. After all you've done me wrong for so long. I guess I'm just bitter that I didn't have the strength to "delete" you first. Either way, thanks for helping me move on to bigger and better things that someone of my level deserves.

the lesser of two evils....and my letter to the devil.

So, I've done it again. I went digging for something I didn't want to find. Sure your emails, phone, text messages, and facebook are NONE of my business. Rummaging frantically, my heart pounding, my pulse making my fingertips lose control, my heart in my throat, my neck so crooked and sideways you would think the damn emails are upside down. Oh, and let's just add sweating profusely to the recipe. But I had to....I just absolutely-one-hundred-percent needed to go through your shit like the discount bins at TJMAXX. After all you are not honest with it. You don't tell me the truth. Maybe if you change your passwords after you give them to me, or don't use my computer and then forget to sign off, I would have never found out after 2.5 years, that not only do you feel you haven't met anyone worthy of a relationship (yep that's what you told some random heifer on your facebook) but that you are now having an "intimate level" with your best friend. Whatever the hell that is supposed to mean. Hmmm, guess that hard-head-soft-ass comments my friends so jokingly refer to me as may be true. But even if I was wrong, for prying into your life like Jenny Jones, does it make your actions any less wrong? Isn't this what folk would call lying by MF omission?

On the other hand, maybe it's your fault. Maybe if you were more slick with your game, I would have never questioned it. Maybe if you were more slick with your phone, you wouldn't lock all the juicy messages and then forget your phone at my house, unchaperoned for 6 hours. Maybe you shouldn't have told me you loved me and that I was this absolutely gorgeous, amazingly entertaining, funny, charming. smart woman. Maybe you shouldn't have said "it's not that I don't want to be with you Bella, I don't want to be with anybody. But if I decided tomorrow to be in a relationship, it would be with you-absolutely." Maybe if you felt that "you hadn't met anyone worth settling down with" (per your email to that random chic) then you should have let me go years ago. You mean to tell me, that we are NOT in this absolutely confusing situation where we both care about each other on an incredibly-not-just-a-smashpiece level? News to MF ME!

But it's cool. Game peeps game. You want your cake and eat it too. You know I'm the best thing for you. I'm the best you can get (and no that's not being cocky, I've seen what you been working with boo.) My wise grandmother once said "you can't get walked all over unless your laying down." Granted, it sound much more eloquent in Italian. No more laying down for me. No more being your rug, doormat, car mat, throw rug....no mas. No more trading in my backbone for a wishbone. I've told you over and over again, there would be one day were the words wouldn't and couldn't save you anymore. Even though you were paying me just enough to come back the next day, one day the funds would be too low for me to return. I know in weeks, months, years from now I won't regret walking away. But you will regret losing me.

And no, calling my friends isn't working for you. The same thing I told YOUR friend, I'll tell you. OUR FRIENDS CAN'T save us. You aren't in any of my bitches top 5 so save yourself the trouble, energy, and my friends' limited remaining minutes for this month. Better luck next time.