Waterproof mascara need not apply.

Ahhhhh, milestones. The small, the large, the grateful moments in our lives that we can only appreciate once we've actually jumped over those once seemingly difficult hurdles. Now while at every point in a breakup I wonder if I will ever get over the pain, hurt, frustration, or the general thought of right hooking an ex. Not answering the phone calls has become easier. Not letting his presence affect me at work- let's just say that's on my to do list (along with yoga, reading Madam Curie, and saying no to bread....) Okay so some things are easier than others. However I have broken another barrier in this seven week downward spiral of emotions, obsessively cleaning my house, pathetic R&B play lists on my iPod, and red wine. It is so hard to work with someone you truly want in your life. It's even harder when you are going through the first stages of "not speaking." When approached by him at work, a torpedo of emotions hit me. Why not me? How can he look at me (and trust and believe I pride myself in looking fly at work)? How can he so easily throw me under the bus, into the game, while becoming prime meat for the lions of the single life and the viscous dating cycle?

These are questions I so badly want answered. In previous discussions of our relationship, I got the answers I wanted to hear. The I love yous, the it's not you it's mes, the "if I wanted a relationship tomorrow it would be with yous." Now all I want is the answers I deserve. The "you aren't what I want, you aren't what I need, you aren't even what I think could make me happy. I am not willing to sacrifice the wonderful state of bachelorhood for you because you aren't worth it." But do I get that? No. Approached by him yesterday at work, I get the I love you, the it's not you it's me....I get everything that I want to hear, not anything that I need to hear. Not anything I deserve to hear. Do I feel like he deserves me? Of course. I've been there. I've been there through the dropping out of classes, no money, no car, no phone. I've been there when he first bought his house, in the hood, with no heat, no furniture-and I slept on the floor with him to keep him company. Now that you have your house, your cars, your bike, your phones, and almost your degree, why wouldn't I deserve that? Why wouldn't he deserve someone that was there from the get-go. Someone who was there when you didn't have shit. He confronted me with an hour long confrontation how he doesn't want to fight, he doesn't want this gap between us. But how can I not be bitter? How can I not wonder why this supposedly perfect girl that you claim to have in front of you, doesn't inspire you to want to settle down? If you meet the right person, and it's too soon into the singledom that you had been looking forward to, do you settle down with them? You feel they are so wonderful, and perfect, do you sacrifice the single life's freedoms? Or do you take a chance and let them go. I say you hold on, white-knuckled, for dear life.

If there is one thing that so boldly stood out to me yesterday- my emotions. In any discussion pertaining to our relationship, a monsoon of emotions pour from my eyes. Tears long enough to assist in the Georgia drought. Perfectly, stunningly blue smashbox liner outlined eyes now strewn across my face, water-proof mascara losing it's battle against excessive liquid out pours. I have had my moments in our conversations where I could be mistaken as an understudy for WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BABY JANE. Oddly enough, I had crossed that new milestone in this break-up, and wasn't even trying. I wasn't holding the tears in. I heard all the excuses, and his reasons, and with a straight face I could say "I'm not willing to continue this cycle. I'm not willing to give myself to you anymore." I was able to walk away from the discussion without showing my emotions, questioning his motives, without accepting his excuses as a reason for staying a little bit longer, and without even an ounce of make-up out of place.